Vent. Vent. Vent.

I guess I come to Tumblr now these days when I have no one to turn to.  I have friends,  but what happens when even you can’t talk to friends? I haven’t been investing my emotions in friends lately.  I know it’s unhealthy,  and I should probably open up more to people.  But I just don’t like expressing my feelings if people aren’t going to genuinely listen or care.  Everyone seems to be really deeply involved in their own lives and problems.

So bear with me.  This post is about some unnecessary bitching and whining that I need to get off my chest.

Well,  here goes… Be warned.  This is nothing interesting. 

-I’m going on vacation to San Diego this coming week.  Partly because I need a vacation but it’s mostly for a good friend of mine.  It’s her birthday.
Her mom recently passed away (literally two months ago)  and this would be the first birthday that she would spend without her mom.  So I figured that it’s important that I do something for her as a good friend. 

This friend always complains about being lonely a lot because she doesn’t know too many people in San Diego.  And of course,  as you get older friends flake out on you a lot more.  But she has her circle of friends.  She dates around,  and she keeps contact with guys that have love interest in her.  Suffice to say,  she’s not that lonely. 

So I’m really trying to make an effort to plan this week out with her.  Asking about this and that. And if she’s available for all our plans.  Maybe a month ago,  we were excited and firm on our decisions.  But now that it’s getting close,  she starts giving me indirect answers and she’s short with me.  I don’t like “maybe”  answers.  Especially when I’m trying to make a game plan.  I always need a game plan.  I’m flexible but I need something to base the plan around.  And the “maybe”  fucks everything up. 

Im seriously ready to give up plans and just stay home for vacation because I’m a frustrated with all of it.  I’m trying not to call her out on it just yet because I might pick an unnecessary fight.  But fuck,  if I’m trying to do things to benefit you at least give me the decency tell me what’s up.  Help me out here.  Shit. 

She’s a really good friend of mine.  We talk a lot.  But sometimes I feel like my efforts in this friendship aren’t reciprocated.  Not that I expect it.  But for the kind of friendship and past that we have had,  you think it would be better.

She leaves me feeling like shit sometimes honestly.  Like right now while I’m trying to find out details to plan around she’s not telling me what she has planned with other friends.  I’m not jealous.  But please,  just have the decency to let me know what’s going on.

-I haven’t been sleeping well lately.  Not because of stress or anything.  It’s because people keep calling or texting at weird ass hours.  And usually I have a habit of having my phone on silent whole I sleep but for the past two nights, I had incidents where it was mistakenly on vibrate or the sound was on.  So it’s sort of my fault but not. 

I’m an extremely light sleeper,  so even the light that comes on when someone texts me wakes me up. 

This morning is no exception. My mom fucking texted me about some situation that wasn’t that important. And it’s annoying me more because she just had to reply to everything last thing.  Like she goes ” ok” and that’s it. I got really frustrated with her and told her that I’m going to sleep and not to reply to my message because I’m having a hard time sleeping. 

Guess what she does?  Fucking texts back “ok”., fuuuuuuuuuhhhck.
That just pissed me off even more. I was about to throw my phone at the wall.  In fact,  call me crazy but I made this Hulk noise really loudly whole laying in bed.  It hit the last nerve for me.  And now I can’t sleep at all.  I have to be at work really early today and I’m probably going to be fucked.  Cheers to no sleep.  Cheers to caffeine.  Cheers to a possible heart attack due to too much caffeine and lack of sleep. 

Fucking cheers.

She isn’t the only one that has been texting me early in the morning like that though.  It’s random coworkers.  Just texting me stupid shit.  And they have the audacity to call at fucking 4 am because I didn’t answer their text messages.  I’m annoyed at these dumbness knowing my work hours and sleep hours and still calling me and texting me at these hours.  It’s really frustrating.

Well.  I got all of that off my chest. 

I feel 25% better. Although.  I can’t sleep.  It’s 5:55am and I have to go to work at 12:30pm.

I’m not one bit sleepy.  And I’m probably going to load up on caffeine today and have really high blood pressure for the day.

Hopefully I’ll live to write another tumblr post. 

Have a nice day peeps. 

Appreciation for parents.

Last night, I had a terrible dream.
I had dreamt that my dad died.
It was horrible. The most horrible thing about it was that I remembered all the emotion that was going through my head. I was crying uncontrollably. Just trying to get through the day without crying. It was so real, and for some reason I could feel the utter sadness while it was in my dream. I woke thinking things were real. But I snapped out of it. My Mom and Dad were still alive. Back to normal. It was really weird though because it felt so real.

Recently, my Friend’s Mom had just passed away. It’s really sad because she is only 25, and this is a lot for her. I can only be there for her, but I can’t fathom the pain and sadness she is going through. That and the struggles she has going through daily life trying to move on.

I can’t say that after that dream, I can relate to what she feels. But I can certainly say that it’s such a terrible feeling. Especially if you have that bond with your parents.

I didn’t have too much of a strong bond with parents growing up. I guess between peer pressure and culture, it wasn’t easy being a kid. And it wasn’t easy raising a kid. So you have angry parents and rebellious kids. That statement defines my parents and I.

I also had a lot of struggles growing up with a lot of self hate over my image because I was always compared growing up. That and I hated the pressures of being the first son in the family. My Dad would always scold me for not liking manly things like football. Or cars. I liked to draw, I liked clothes, and I loved decorate as a child. So my parents and I weren’t on good terms most of the time.

But growing up, I start to understand them more and get along with them.

I spent the afternoon shopping with my mom, and the evening having a good conversation with my Dad. I never thought this would happen in my life. I thought they would be my enemies for life. But right now, they’re apart of the small circle of people who keep me sane right now. Who would have thought.

I guess, I appreciate them more after all of the things that have happened. My friend losing her mom and having that dream, it kind of re-evaluated what my parents mean to me. And I guess the love was there all along.

It just took me 25 years to understand it fully.

A guy at work gave me a San Francisco 49ers Jersey to wear to work today.  I usually wear my Dallas Cowboys Jersey because an ex gave it to me and I do anything just to avoid wearing the uniform at work. I don’t know why this guy was so persistent for me to wear the SF Jersey. I really don’t understand the whole football craze and how crazy competitive it so between fans.  I remember when I lived in San Diego,  there was a chargers game against the Raiders and there were a couple fights in the parking lot. I just don’t get why it gets that serious. Aside from betting money,  I really do not understand these people insulting each other and getting butt hurt over these things. I honestly don’t like buying football merchandise.  It’s ugly to me.  And too expensive. 
Oh well. When people talk shit about the jersey I wear,  my line is always:
”buy me a jersey and I’ll wear it. ” 
And my other line is:
”Do I look like I watch football!?”
But seriously though. Do I???

A guy at work gave me a San Francisco 49ers Jersey to wear to work today.  I usually wear my Dallas Cowboys Jersey because an ex gave it to me and I do anything just to avoid wearing the uniform at work. I don’t know why this guy was so persistent for me to wear the SF Jersey. I really don’t understand the whole football craze and how crazy competitive it so between fans.  I remember when I lived in San Diego,  there was a chargers game against the Raiders and there were a couple fights in the parking lot. I just don’t get why it gets that serious. Aside from betting money,  I really do not understand these people insulting each other and getting butt hurt over these things. I honestly don’t like buying football merchandise.  It’s ugly to me.  And too expensive.

Oh well. When people talk shit about the jersey I wear,  my line is always:
”buy me a jersey and I’ll wear it. ”

And my other line is:

”Do I look like I watch football!?”

But seriously though. Do I???